George Lucas Must Be Smoking Crack

Some of you know I am not the biggest Star Wars fan. Episodes 4, 5 and 6 were good movies. I Who doesn't like Han Solo?

But PLEASE! This newest Star Wars movie - The Clone Wars, was painful. Absolutely painful.

There has been a cartoon series based on The Clone Wars out, some time ago. The animation is pretty good, the story is pretty good....

But this 2008 version?

Yuck.

BashirsDaddy is a Star Wars costumer, and he and his club went for the midnight premier. I went along for the free ticket. Even he hated this schlock.

Mr. Lucas, what is your problem?

Absolutely Offensive: If you thought that Jar Jar Binks was a stereotypical Rastafarian, and that whole characterization was offensive and racist, get ready for this one. I bet you will see Jabba's uncle for what he is - an offensive stereotype of a homosexual. I mean, do people really think a purple Hutt with a lisp and feathers is funny?

Unoriginal Score: Tell me, why do filmmakers always have Middle Eastern music playing in the background when there is a scene with sand. Why not some Navajo flute music? African drums? Or Andean pan flute? Or how about a Didgeridoo? Or better yet, HIRE A FRIGGIN COMPOSER WHO CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL! Mr. Lucas, I bet you could spare $10,000 for an original song. Well, you could spare it if you stop smoking that crack that you are obviously smoking if you think this is a good film....

A Galaxy Right Next Door, Right Now: There is nothing more painful to me than anachronism. If this is a galaxy far far away, answer this - why do all of those characters use SO MANY late 20th and early 21st century Americanisms? And American military terms. "Roger Roger"? "Stinky"? "Call me"? "SkyGuy" (instead of Skywalker)? I can't even go through the list of them. But they are everywhere. And they are painful to hear, each and every time.
Ok. So it's not just Americanisms... ok. I will buy that. But when your leader of the separatist movement has a Scottish accent? Please.

The Snarky Mary-Sue Padawan: The new character Ashoka - who was nicknamed "Snip" - I think because she was so darn snippy - was a Mary Sue. There is nothing more painful than having your hero or heroine be a snarky, sassy 13 year old kid who talks back, thinks they know it all, and has super jedi powers. She saves the day, AND shows up her Jedi Master (who isn't even a Master yet!) She saved Skywalker's butt on so many occassions you wonder how the Republic ever survived without this 13 year old... This character was the epitome of a Mary-Sue character. Big, cute eyes, supposedly loveable, but to anyone who ever dealt with a sassy 13 year old is really obnoxious to the core. We all remember how annoying Anakin as a kid was in Episode 1. This was much worse. Not only was this new kid annoying, but she is paired up with a snippy and snarky Anakin. I think this is why God gave me TWO eyes. One to poke out after seeing her, the other to poke out after seeing him.

Some say that Ashoka is a strong female role model - which is needed in the Star Wars universe. Great for young girls. Right? WRONG! This snippy little girl is the WORST kind of role model. Why does the only role model for young girls have to be a snippy little bitch? Why not just have her wear pants that say "Porn Star" across her ass, or a t-shirt that says "BRATZ"... ? Is that the only kind of role model young girls can have? Bull shit.

By the way. Give her a burger. That "Be-atch" is verging on the anorexic.

Thanks, Mr. Lucas. You just helped advance the women's movement to the year 1843.

Animation: Ok, this is just my personal taste, but it was awful. I understand there are a lot of different styles and tastes vary, but your characters looked like wood. A carved wooden Obi-Wan beard? And even the motion was belabored. It felt like wooden claymation, animated. Awful.

Mr. Lucas, you once again let down your fans with this one.
Episodes 4, 5 and 6 rocked. Every time you release something else, you just twist the knife a little more.

My final complaint for now....

Was that John Cleese in the movie? Doing one of the voices? If it was SHAME ON YOU, GEORGE! Shame on you for using one of the funniest men on the planet and not giving him one funny line in the whole movie.

Ok. One more complaint. What about these guys? These guys are great. Where are they in this movie? Dammit!